short tan and teddy

 I was born a poor white boy- it went downhill from there. I was the shortest dude in third grade- I had to stand at the back of the line because the teacher had us line up according to height. That was my first sign someone was bulking up on the Miracle Grow. 

In fourth grade I found out I was “white.” Someone called Felipe Lopez “brown,” and I questioned why they did that. The pale kid with the missing tooth said, “Because you’re white, man.” I never knew that. I went to look in the mirror and I swore I couldn’t figure out what in the world he was talking about. I grabbed a Crayola, but there wasn't one crayon, even the factory-reject tan one, that came close to my skin color. 

Enter the age of Puberty. My Puberty Bowl problems were bigger than the Crayola box. The taller, gangly-looking guys, uglier than sin, were the object of intense giggling from the females in class. You could be too tall and have a zit the size of Montana, and some buxom blonde thought you were a "hunk." I was never tall, except to my stuffed animals, and kids that still drooled. Rarely did being short have its advantages, except when trying to hide from bullies. 

As I passed into adolescence, things did not seem to improve. Some of the girls started showing some shape, but I was not keeping pace with the boys who got their attention. I could still crawl under the school desk. I was a bigger hit with the teachers, who enjoyed my adolescent naivety, when I did my Carnac the Magnificent (Johnny Carson) impressions, with little understanding of what made them so funny to an adult man.

Then, one day, after doing the voices of Richard Nixon, Jimmy Stewart,  and Ed McMahon, I told the latest Carnac line to a shocked Math teacher, some tall boys, and some cute girls. That math teacher ordered me into the hallway and gave me a lecture that seemed to last all afternoon. I was banned from stand-up comedy...and even sit-down comedy. He took away my only talent for getting the girls to notice me. I left class feeling about a foot high...

...because I was told to go upstairs to the office of the weirdest woman I ever met. She asked me ludicrous, insane questions. I determined that my teachers had ended up getting me in trouble instead of implicating themselves. Frankly, the psych woman was so off her rocker that I left her office feeling like I had just met the most unstable woman in the world.

Well, I won't do that again.

That did not stop me from telling jokes or doing impressions, just not around the teachers. I found out I could be myself and the female race would actually pay attention. As I aged, and grew facial hair, a few found me "teddy-bear like" enough to want to be my girlfriend, and even hug and kiss. You're the cutest little teddy bear in the whole wide world...

So eventually I gave up trying to be tall, dark, and handsome, and settled for short, tan, and teddy. I did not grow up to be the most handsome man in the world, but thank God, I did grow up to be cuddly.